26 Letters to Stephen: 1

Letter #1: May 27, 2013

Dear Stephen,

Saturday was the Soldier Field 10 Mile, my last race before marathon training starts. I ran fast. I ran strong. I ran pain-free. I think I am ready. I could not be any more ready. Right?

Ready or not, the truth is that I am a little bit scared. The last time I trained for a marathon, I spent most of the time injured or worried about becoming injured. Every day, I questioned whether I should be running and how far. Every day, I wondered if I would make it to that start line, let alone the finish line. I trained for 20 weeks, and the whole time I felt like I might lose it all at any moment.

I have so many reasons to believe that this time will be better. I learned a lot from my mistakes. I know my limits when it comes to the number of miles I can run in a week. Regular strength training has greatly reduced my injury rate. In fact, I haven’t had a major injury in more than two years.

Yet I am still scared. Even though the chances of dropping out of training are greatly reduced, I have so much more to lose this time. I want to finish the race, of course. But even more, I don’t want to let you down.

I’ve been struggling with what to do for you since the day you died. For the first few months, I spent a lot of time trying to find a way to bring you back to life. Unsurprisingly, I failed in this regard. I really, really tried to bring you back, but as you may have noticed, you’re still… well, not here.

Eventually, I got past the irrational need to raise you from the dead and started thinking about what I could do for you instead. I settled on running this marathon. 2010 was my marathon, but 2013 will be yours. This one is for you.

If I make it, that is. There are so many miles ahead, and I am really scared that I will fail you. But I promise that I’m going to try.

The funny thing is, there is so much about this that you would hate. Marathon training is a slog, and there is a lot of moaning and groaning involved. But there is also a lot of positivity. Teams and training groups, especially those associated with a charity, all cheer each other on with great enthusiasm. It’s all about “You can do it!” and “One more mile!” and “You’re so awesome!” You know, all the things that annoy you. You would absolutely hate marathon training.

It feels like the right thing to do, though. I’m scared, but deep down in my gut I feel that this is my way to honor you. I can’t bring you back, but I can do what you aren’t here to do. I can accomplish this feat that you never got to cross of your bucket list. I can honor your mother’s memory and give myself and others a reason to think of you now and again over the coming months. I can run. I can run, and I will.

Stick with me, though, will you? This is going to be often going to be awesome, yet it is also going to be awful. In that way, it is really a lot like you.

Love to you, Stephen. More letters to come.

One month later.

Today marks one month since I ran the marathon. It seems like an appropriate time to start writing in this blog again.

There isn't a lot to tell, running-wise. For the first week, I could barely move. By the second week, the soreness in my quads had gone away, but my foot and knee still hurt enough that I felt I shouldn't do any cardio. I did some yoga and strength training. Things stayed the same for the third week. My foot continued to bother me, and I noticed that I now have a bone spur on the top of my foot. Gross.

During the fourth, I took a couple of turns on the elliptical.

By last Sunday, I was finally feeling ok to try running. I set out for 3 miles, expecting to have to walk. I'm pleased to report that I ran 3 miles without stopping! It was slow, but I held out. My foot didn't hurt at all, but my knee twinged a little. It hurt a bit to walk for the rest of the day. That was discouraging.

I did some strength training on Monday. On Tuesday, I got back on my bike for the first time in 2 months. My tires were a little flat, but luckily my building's garage has a compressor I can use for free. It felt fantastic to ride again.

Then this morning, I went out for another 3 miler. It actually felt a little harder than Sunday, but I still did the whole 3 miles without stopping. And my knee didn't bother me during or after. One month later, I may finally back on my way up.

I have no plans to follow any kind of structured plans for a while. I'll probably run 3-4 times a week, never much more than 3 miles, and just for the fun of it. I find that I have a hard time thinking of training for anything just yet.

One question I have been asking myself all month is, was it worth it? I spent 20 weeks stressing over every ache and pain, going to bed at 9 every Friday, and arranging my entire schedule around training runs. Then I spent another 3 weeks limping around and sleeping poorly. I now have a permanent, ugly bump on the top of my foot. All for one day, when I spent 6 hours pushing through pain and nausea as covered a 26.2 mile course. Was it worth it?

Yes, I think it was. The training was every bit as hard as I expected, and the recovery was much harder than I expected, but it was still worth it. Not for the moment I crossed the finish line, either. That was actually rather anti-climatic for me. But there are certain moments that will stick with me. Slowly making my way forward in the start corral, wondering anxiously what those first miles would hold for me. Picking out my mom and sister the first time in the crowds. Starting up after a water stop, realizing my knee pain had gone away. Seeing my friend Meg hold up a sign and my friend Amy run alongside me briefly. Waving to the fans in the windows of the old folks home. Seeing all the kind strangers handing out ice. Passing mile 20 and realizing that somehow, some way, I was going to make it. Digging deep inside to find the energy to run past my friend Jessica at mile 23. Seeing my friend Shannon as I approached the finish, realizing she had been out there all day for me. And catching sight of my mom at runner reunite after I finished.

It was hard. It was so, so, hard. But it was an incredible experience. I find now that I don't care a bit that it took me 47 minutes longer than I had originally hoped. I care that I did it, and that I can look back on that day and revel in it.

I'm doubtful that I'll ever run a marathon again, but that makes 10/10/10 all the more incredible.

One month later. The pain has gone away, but I'm still proud.

Yesterday, I finished the marathon!

I did it. I am a marathoner!

The last two weeks of training didn't go like I hoped, and neither did race day. But, I crossed that finish line, and that it all I care. :-)

Later in the day after my 12-miler (two weeks ago), I started having some nasty pain on the inside of my right knee. It continued to intermittently hurt while I was walking and hurt consistently when I was running. Naturally, this threw me into a panic. I went to a physical therapist who told me it was ok if I wanted to try to run, but that it was going to hurt.

That visit heartened me a bit, but running even 3 miles was still difficult, so I was not feeling very good about my chances of finishing 26.2. I stopped running completely during my final week of training, and lined up in that start corral having no idea how far I would make it.

I crossed the start line with my two friends, Maryam and Maureen. I ran the first mile with them with no pain. However, around the first mile marker, the pain started in my knee. Maureen and Maryam started to pull ahead of me, and I let them go. I knew that my best shot at finishing was going at a pace that felt comfortable.

I was running 9 minutes and walking 1 minute, and I kept that up for quite a while. I passed my mom and sister the first time at mile 4, and I was feeling ok about my chances. The pain in my knee was consistent, but not getting worse.

The next thing I clearly remember is stopping at an aid station at mile 5. I paused for a second to refill one of my water bottles, then started running again.... and the pain was gone. THE PAIN WAS GONE! I apparently had loosened my sore tendons enough that they were working right again. This was a very exciting development. (As an aside, I'll mention that the other thing I remember about that aid station is that it was near Lincoln Park Zoo, and there were a lot of trees around, and most of the trees had a male runner next to them, peeing. I feel that this is one area where men have an unfair advantage. All the women were in line at the port-a-potties.)

I continued running at a 9:1 interval for quite some time, with little or no pain in my knee. I passed my co-worker Rebecca at mile 7.5, my friends Meg and Amy at mile 8.5, and my mom and sister again at mile 11. As I ran past my mom, I shouted, "The pain went away! The pain went away!" There were tons of cheering fans during this section of the race, and tons of spectacles to distract me... older folks waving from the windows at a nursing home, rifle twirlers in Boystown, DJs and live music, and more. I had my name on my shirt, and lots of spectators, volunteers, and even DJs were yelling "Go Katie!" It was a huge help.

I continued like this til about mile 15. Up until that point, I had been going pretty consistently at a 12-minute mile pace. However, somewhere around mile 15, the knee pain returned. It was also about 10am by this time, and the sun had started to get very hot. First, I tried to switch my intervals to 4:1, and was able to do that for a mile or two. But then my pattern kind of disintegrated. I was started to feel a little nauseous, so I had to extend my walk breaks. Unfortunately, this also allowed my knee to tighten up again, and the pain was back in full force, whether I was running or walking.

Near mile 18, I stopped to go to the bathroom and was lucky enough to only have a few people in front of me. The short break reinvigorated me for a while, and I ran pretty consistently at a run 3, walk 2 ratio. I passed my mom and sister again at mile 21, and that was a little boost. At about mile 22, though, I was so hot and my knee hurt so much that I stopped paying attention to my watch at all. I was just past 5 hours, and I knew that even if I had to walk the rest of the way, I would make it in under the 6:30 limit.

I just focused on moving forward any way that I could. I walked until I felt ready to run, then ran as long as I felt able. I just kept moving forward. I passed my friend Jessica at mile 23, and she was wearing a "Katie Rich Rocks" t-shirt. When I hit mile 24, there was an announcer of some kind saying "You have 2 miles to go. You WILL finish the Chicago Marathon. You may be walking, you may be running, and you may have to crawl, but YOU WILL FINISH!" And I'll never forget this... he said, "Isn't that right, Katie in green?" I pumped my fist in the air to tell him he was right. (I am SO glad I wrote my name on my shirt.)

Mile 25 came and went, and then I could see Roosevelt. I ran from 14th street to Roosevelt, then walked up the Roosevelt bridge to the 26 mile marker. I said all throughout my training that no matter how much I had to walk, I really wanted to run that last 0.2. And I'm proud to say that I did. I ran down the other side of the bridge and a block down Columbus, and crossed that finish line with a time of 5:47:43. (And my friend Shannon was there to take my picture.. though unfortunately someone else ran directly into the shot and completely blocked me out.) Tears were in my eyes as I got my medal.

I did it. I finished. I walked a LOT, I fought through a lot of pain, and I was in the slowest 20% to finish, but I don't care. I FINISHED.

Thank you so much to everyone who was out there on the course to cheer me on... those that I knew of course, but also all the kind strangers that called my name, sprayed me with a hose, and handed me ice. I truly, truly would not have finished without all that support.

I'll be nursing a finicky knee, a bruised foot, and some very sore quads for some time, but I'll have that finisher's medal forever. It's been a long, winding journey that I do not regret. I ran the Chicago Marathon on 10/10/10.

Now, if I EVER say I'm going to run another marathon... call me an idiot. :-)

2 weeks til the marathon.

2 weeks? Ack! I'm starting to get really excited now. The signs are up along the route and the city is gearing up for it.

This week definitely did not go like I planned or hoped, but in the end I think it was ok.

On Monday my quads were still really sore, so I did not run or bike. Tuesday morning, I ran 3 miles, but walked a bit in there. My left quad was still sore, so my gait was a bit off and my shins started to hurt a little.

Wednesday, I started to feel pretty sick. My stomach had never really felt normal since Saturday, and it seemed to be getting worse. I was standing at the bus stop when a sharp pain started in my right side. It faded as I got on the bus, but I started to get dizzy. I had to squat down to avoid passing out. The spell passed pretty quickly, but I was in a cold sweat for a while and my stomach continued to bother me.

I woke up Thursday hoping to run in the afternoon. However, I had the same pain in my side while waiting for the bus. I didn't know what to think, and I was tired of feeling sick, so I made a doctor's appointment for that afternoon.

A lot of possibilities went through my mind. Kidney stones run in my family. Appendicitis would require surgery. And on and on. I didn't really believe it was anything serious, but if it was, I needed to know now.

Thankfully, the doctor ruled out kidney stones and several other things. She couldn't completely rule out appendicitis, but said my symptoms did not really make sense for that, either. She thought it was some sort of bug I just had to wait out. The answer I wanted, but still frustrating.

I was completely wiped out the rest of the day Thursday and Friday. I slept over nine hours a night.

I got up this morning and decided to try running. I set out at about 7:30 and did 12 miles at a 9:1 run:walk ratio. My overall pace was 11:30 per mile, which really wasn't bad. My legs cooperated pretty well -- only minor complaints from my quads and shins -- but my stomach really hurt through most of it. I'm glad I went out and did it, but I'm also really glad it's over.

Now I'll be resting up and hoping to kick whatever bug is in my system out soon. I end this week with only two runs and no biking at all, but it was the most I could handle so I'm not going to fret it.

On a different note, I tried out a hydration belt today and liked it. Looks like I'll be wearing mine on race day.

15 days to go. Hang in there, legs. Hang in there, gut. We're gonna do this.

Miles on my shoes: 176

3 weeks to the marathon...

Whew. I have made it to taper. I'll still be running 3 times a week, but the longest run I have left is a 12 miler. And really, if I miss any of the workouts, it's not that big of a deal. The next three weeks are about maintaining fitness and resting. Barring disaster, I will be at that start line.

I ran 3 miles on Monday morning and felt almost nothing at all in my legs. I tried to wear regular socks, and my ankle started to hurt a little after a mile. I stopped and swapped it out for the cut-off one, and then I was fine. The ankle thing is weird and I hope it goes away after my post-marathon rest, but mostly I'm just relieved that I have a way to work around it.

On Tuesday, I biked, and it was against the wind in both directions. That sucked, and my left knee hurt a little.

Wednesday, I did a speed workout in the morning. I ran a mile to warm up, then ran 3 more miles in 200-m out-ins, so 200 m at my regular pace, then 200 m at a faster clip, repeat. Then I ran the last mile home just at my regular pace. So 5 miles total, with almost no pain at all. That was my last run before the 20 miler, and I was feeling great.

I had intended to bike on Thursday, but the winds were super strong and it was a decent chance of rain, so I opted out. I then debated riding on Friday, but I opted out of that, too. I was just feeling so good, and the benefit of riding was not worth the risk of something hurting the next day.

So, I got up this morning bright and early and well rested for my 20 miler. Unfortunately, my tummy did not feel so hot. The food I ate for breakfast wasn't sitting so well, and I made a couple trips to the bathroom. I took some Pepto and chalked it up to nerves -- I actually have the same sort of feeling before races sometimes.

Let me start with the good news. I did the entire 20 miles virtually pain free. I had some achiness here and there, but not a whisper from my ankle (I had cut off socks on both feet) and not a whisper from my shins. Nada. Also, I did not feel so weirdly stiff at the end. I was able to stretch normally.

However, I did not end the run strong. I started out doing the same 8:1 run:walk ratio as for the 18 miler. For the first 12 miles or so, I was doing great. I had that "I'm barely aware that I'm running" kind of feeling. But then I started to get tired. The 8 minute segments started to feel really long. And my stomach started to bother me. I did not feel like I was going to throw up, or pass out, but I was pretty uncomfortable. After 18 miles, I had to stop to go to the bathroom, and that did help a little. But I was no longer able to run for full 8 minute segments. I was doing 4:1, then 3:1, then 4:1, etc for the rest of the way. I finished, but I was totally drained.

My total time was 3:54:53. That was including the pit stop that actually added a little distance to the run. So, my overall average pace was 11:45 per mile, which would give me a marathon finish time of 5:08 if I kept it up. But the truth is, I don't think I could have even kept up that average. I was so relieved to be finished that I wanted to cry. And on marathon day, I will still have 6.2 miles to go.

So, this means several things:
1. First of all, I'm kind of scared now. I might as well admit that right now. Related is...

2. I think it's important for me to work on being prepared to feel like crap toward the end of the race. I always knew 26.2 was a long way to run, and no one ever talks about it being easy, but... today was my first glimpse at how I will probably be feeling at mile 20. However...

3. I also need to remember that I won't necessarily feel quite so bad. Adrenaline will help, the crowds will help, and with any luck my tummy won't be a problem.

4. Speaking of my tummy, there are a couple of things that I think contributed to that. First, I had been feeling sort of icky on and off since last Friday. It was never terrible, but I had less of an appetite than usual and was having a bit of indigestion. So, some of the problem was existing. And running 20 miles made my body less able to handle it.

5. I also ate a different breakfast than I have been before (toast and oatmeal with a nectarine instead of a bagel with peanut butter and banana). Not only did I end up eating less of it, but it had less protein and more acid. On an average day, it probably wouldn't have mattered, but when I'm running 20 miles, my body needs all the help it can get. So, bagel, peanut butter, and banana it is.

6. I think I'm officially letting go of this time goal of 5 hours I've had in mind all along. It's just another source of pressure and worry that I don't need. I need to focus on finishing, that's all. I figure that even if I had to walk the last 6.2, I would have still made it in under the 6:30 limit. I'll be disappointed if that happens, but honestly, although I was tired, I did feel like I had SOME run left in me. It just would have been in shorter bursts.

Since finishing, I've been tired and achy, and my stomach is still not feeling so great. But, nothing feels injured. So there's plenty to be happy about, and I'm trying to focus on that.

Like I said before... I'm scared. But, some part of me recognizes that there's no way to know, control, or fully prepare for how I will feel during the race. So for the next few weeks, I will just try to relax and enjoy the taper, and on race day I will just try to relax and enjoy the journey. That's all I can do.

Even if race day does go like it did today, I know I will finish. If there's anything I can say for certain about myself after going through this marathon training, it's that I'm not a quitter.

Miles on my shoes: 158

4 weeks til the marathon

Less than a month, folks. Commence freaking out.

Overall, I have to say that this week went pretty well. I completed all the running and biking that I intended to do, which is something I haven't really been able to say in a long time.

Monday I biked, and the way back was against the wind. I finished, but it totally drained me.

Tuesday morning I ran 8 miles. Less than a mile in, I had to stop and fold down my sock so it didn't rub my ankle. But I finished. Shins hurt some, but not a lot.

Wednesday evening I ran 4 repeat miles, with a mile of warm up and a mile of cool down. I was wearing a cut-off sock, and there was not a single whisper from my ankle. The back of my knee was bothering me a little, which was odd. Then, right at the very end, one shin started to hurt. I immediately stopped and walked the remaining quarter mile, praying that the sharp pain wouldn't stick around.

I biked on Thursday, and felt the sharp pain in the same spot once on the way there, and once on the way back. This is not ideal, of course, but my shins did not bother me while walking, so I tried to dismiss it. That particular spot has not bothered me since, so that's a blessing.

I took Friday off, then ran 8 miles on the treadmill on Saturday morning. I wore the cut off sock again, and my ankle was fine. My shins hurt some, but not a lot. I did the 8 miles at under an 11-minute pace. All in all, a success.

Still, my shins have ached a lot over the past two days. Sometimes they are fine and I don't feel a thing, but then the next moment they hurt a lot. I've definitely had worse, and I'm not entertaining any thoughts of dropping out. However, it does make the decision of how much to run this week more difficult.

Ideally, I'd like to run 3 miles on Monday or Tuesday, then 3 miles with some speed push on Wednesday or Thursday, and then run 20 on Saturday. The 20 is obviously the most important, so part of me thinks I should skip the 3 milers. But part of me thinks that is a bad idea.

I also am struggling with what to do about biking. It often leaves me feeling totally drained, which seems counter-productive.

So, overall, I am optimistic about how this week went, but I wish the pain were not so prevalent to make some of these decisions easier.

Please, oh please, let this week go well, too. Let me feel as good at the end of 20 as a did at the end of 16.

Apologies at the lack of eloquence. I think I will feel A LOT better when the 20 is over.

Miles on my shoes: 130

5 weeks til the marathon

I'm still hanging in there.

I took Monday off, and rode my bike on Tuesday.

Wednesday I did 12 x 200m, with 200m active recovery after each repeat. The active recovery included skipping and hopping on one foot, and let me tell you, people on the lakefront path thought that was either weird or hilarious. I had a little shin pain but not a lot.

Thursday I biked again. On the way home, my shins randomly started to hurt after not bothering me all day. The pain continued all evening. So, any thoughts of a brief run on Friday were put aside.

I took Friday off, and went to bed that night very nervous and jittery. Could I really do 18 miles in the morning?

My friend Maryam picked me up at 5:50 the next morning, and we and two of her friends drove to a spot about 5 miles from the end of the path. We started off with the intention of running 4.5 miles south, then 9 miles north, then 4.5 back south to the car. I did the whole first half with Maryam, and we did a run/walk in an 8:1 ratio -- 8 minutes of running then 1 minute of walking. When we got back to the car the first time, Maryam waited at the car for one of her friends that decided to drop out of the run because of knee pain, but I decided to keep going, as her pace felt a bit too fast for me and I figured she would catch up to me anyway.

She didn't. I don't think my pace slowed down much at all. I passed her and her other friend a mile and a half after the turn around, so they were 3 miles behind me. I continued with the run/walk all the way through, with the exception of skipping my last walk because I was only about 2 minutes from finishing. I hit my finish line after 3:20:54, which means I kept about an 11:10 pace overall -- fast enough to get me a 5-hour marathon time if I could maintain it.

Shins didn't give me many problems. One little spot would hurt, then the pain would go away, then it'd show up somewhere else. The top inside of my right shin did hurt through about 6 miles or so, but even that went away in the end. Shins did as well as I had any right to hope. They did not bother me much the rest of the day or yesterday, either.

Unfortunately, about 200m from the finish, the front of my right ankle and top of my right foot started to suddenly hurt. I finished -- that close, how could I not?? Then I walked about another 200m to a drinking fountain, stretched a bit, then walked back to the car. My ankle still hurt a little, but I felt weird all over once I stopped running. My legs were so stiff that I had to kind of stretch in waves. I stretched a little, then walked some more, then stretched a little farther. It took me a while to feel somewhat normal.

I made my way back to the car, took off my shoes, and put my compression socks on. I spent a good 10 minutes trying to work out what I thought was a foot cramp. Finally, it felt somewhat normal. I flexed my ankle and it felt stiff but ok. So I put my shoes back on and walked back toward the path to watch for Maryam and Maureen.

Walking hurt a lot. The same ankle was really bothering me, almost enough to make me limp. It continued to do so each time I walked as we went to brunch and after I got home. This really worried me. Not only was this a devil I didn't know, but it was affecting my everyday mobility, not just my running.

After some experimentation that day, I realized that my ankle only hurt if my sock was on over it. The sock pulls the skin back and forth a bit, and that is what hurt. I could walk fine if I folded down my sock far enough.

I walked around a lot yesterday with my sock folded down like that. Towards the end of the day, I was able to put it back on, but my ankle still feels a little stiff and hurts if I rub the sore area.

I'm glad that I'm mobile, but my worst fear is that this will happen again in the middle of the marathon. The pain was really intense. I suppose I could just fold down my sock and live with the blister that is sure to appear on my heel. But there are also a thousand other things that could happen during the marathon. While I've struggled with injury a lot, this is the first time something made me completely unable to run.

Eyes forward, though. No use dwelling. My plan right now is just to keep icing, avoid wearing socks when I can, and hope for the best. I'm also going to buy some low-cut socks and new arch supports.

Aside from the ankle issue, the run/walk plan had both pros and cons. On the plus side, it's really helpful psychologically to focus on time instead of distance. I also had fewer aches and pains overall, and less soreness. However, I was MUCH more tired at the end. After 16, I felt like I could keep going. After 18, I was DONE. So, I'm planning on trying the run/walk again when I do the 20 miler, and making a race strategy decision after that.

This week, I hoping to do a short run today, a speed workout on Wednesday, and 8 miles on Saturday. I'll hopefully also bike to work twice, though I'm a little afraid of the high winds in the forecast!

Breathe in, breathe out... 5 weeks to go. I'm going to do this if it kills me.

Miles on my shoes: 111